Dee Coram the openly gay son of Republican representative from the 58th district Don Coram, in Colorado, pitched his father for a yes vote, but to no avail.  “Yesterday was the first and only time I ever called him and said, “Can you do this?” said 44-year-old Dee Coram. “He said, ‘I love you, but absolutely not.’ ”

The Denver Post reports that “Civil unions for same-sex couples seemed destined for success toward the end of the Colorado legislative session, which closed last week. It had cleared three Republican-controlled House committees and appeared to have a majority of votes on the House floor.”

But House Speaker Frank McNulty, R-Highlands Ranch, refused to let lawmakers cast their votes. Gov. John Hickenlooper countered by calling a special session. The reincarnated civil unions bill on Monday landed in McNulty’s so-called “kill committee,” where he expected the bill to die.

There is no Emily Post etiquette guide for gay weddings.

I’ve been a very busy Caribbean destination wedding planner on a little island seven miles off the coast of Puerto Rico for five years, but I’d never really thought about that challenge before my client Patrick brought it to my attention as we were putting the finishing touches on his April commitment ceremony.  He’s absolutely right.  How have I missed that?  His is certainly not the first gay wedding I’ve ever planned.  I plan lots of commitment ceremonies because Vieques Island is very, very gay friendly and has a number of gay-owned businesses and accommodations.

Because there is no real etiquette authority (or rules) about how you do destination weddings (or gay destination weddings), I’ve been making it up as I go along.  No really, I have.  You see, I was raised by an etiquette aficionado.  My cousin and I jokingly refer to my mom and her dad as “Ms.” and “Mr. Post,” respectively.  They’re the only people left in the world that I know who flip over wedding invitations and run their fingers over the back to check and see if it’s real engraving before they ever look to see who is inviting them!  Not saying there’s anything wrong with that.  Just sayin’.

I was raised in a strict household with consistent manners enforcement.  We called our parents “Ma’am” and “Sir.”  Some people seem to find that appalling now, but I think it was a benefit.  We all have lovely manners as a result.  And I’m a lucky wedding planner who was brought up to know which fork is which, where to seat whom for special events (even when there are multiple spouses involved), how to properly address an envelope to anyone (The Honorable, The Reverend, etc.), how to properly set a table, how to write an amazing thank you note, and how to keep a polite smile on my face no matter how horrified I am by what I’m seeing in front of me.  I spent 13 years in a plaid kilt and I was a Girl Scout with all the manners badges.  See – now I’ve established my credentials and they’re probably better than most.  So let’s proceed.

How have I been determining destination wediquette for the past five years?  I’ve been winging it with a little common sense.  This is a fun topic that I’ll probably blog about more than one time (hello, I see a book here!), but for today, let’s start at the beginning and tackle the etiquette questions that come up most frequently with my gay clients.

 1 – How do you address the wedding invitations? 

Believe it or not, that’s just as tricky a question no matter what kind of couple is getting married.  Times have changed.  If you want to involve your parents in the wording of the wedding invitations, you can refer to the old fashioned method of naming the people who are hosting the event.  In this day and age, most couples are contributing significantly to their own wedding budgets so not everybody puts their parents’ names on the wedding invitations anymore.  In fact, having mom and dad on there at all is less and less common.  But if you are using their names, and if you want to do it the proper or traditional way, and if one set of parents are paying for a significant portion of the wedding, that set of parents should have top billing on the invitation.  For example, if Bob’s parents are paying for the entire wedding, the invite would read (allowing for your own phraseology and style):

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Graham Smith cordially invite you

to the marriage of their son

Robert Graham Smith, Junior,

to Edward Thomas Black

If both sets of parents are paying or you want to acknowledge them equally regardless of financial contribution (more popular in this day and age than you can even imagine), you would add the line after the second groom’s name “son of Dr. and Mrs. Leroy Desmond Black.”  Yes, I am making the names up (I knew you were wondering).

2 – Who sits on which side at the wedding? 

Traditionally, the bride’s family goes on the left and the groom’s family sits on the right.  But at a gay wedding where there are two brides or two grooms, it’s less clear.  Joke all you like, but one half of each couple has always planned more of the wedding.  That’s the person we put on the bride’s side if there’s a question about it.  It’s certainly not a hard and fast rule, and you can do whatever you want, but if you need to ask me… I’ll tell you which one of you is the bride. J

3 – How do you seat the parents?  Who gets treated like top dog? 

Usually it’s the bride’s mother, but when you have two MoGs instead of a MoB, what’s the protocol?  Well, if you decided to follow my first suggestion of putting whoever planned the wedding on the left side, you would seat the mother of the person on the right first, and then follow with the MoG who will be seated on the left (the traditional MoB spot).

4 – Should you do the first dance and cut the cake?

You should do whatever you want to do on your wedding day.  If you’ve always wanted to smash your partner’s face with cake, why hold back?  Yet, you don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.  I have plenty of straight clients who opt out of cake cuttings, first dances and even the bouquet toss.  You should do things that make your day more special.

5 – Who belongs on the “must invite” list?

The same people should be invited to your wedding regardless of your sexual preference.  The only people you should invite should be people who love you and support your decision to get married.  If you have some family members who don’t approve of your decision, you don’t have to invite them.  Nobody negative should be included.  Don’t try to be the bigger or better person.  It’s your wedding day.  The entire day is about the union you’ve chosen to form.  Anybody who doesn’t get that and isn’t completely behind you doesn’t belong there on such an important day.

Etiquette is more than knowing that nobody’s plate should be cleared from the table until everybody at that table is finished eating.  A lot of it is a framework to which you apply common sense.  It gets tricky, however, when the social situation under consideration is a wedding or commitment ceremony because there are such a heightened level of emotions involved.  Sometimes you have to stop, take a breath, and mentally step back from a situation to make the proper wediquette decision.  Ask yourself what would EP (Emily Post) do?

Until next time, happy wedding planning from Weddings in Vieques and Weddings in Culebra?   Have you started planning your Caribbean destination wedding or commitment ceremony yet?

Sandy

www.weddingsinvieques.com

Sandy Malone, a guest blogger with Purple Unions, is the owner of Weddings in Vieques, a full-service destination wedding planning company based on Vieques Island, seven miles off the coast of Puerto Rico.  She and her team (including her husband Bill, a retired SWAT team commander) have planned and executed almost 400 weddings and commitment ceremonies in the Spanish Virgin Islands.  Sandy is a veteran event planner from Washington, DC, with years of experience planning large and small weddings, press conference, and corporate and political events.  She has planned countless events on Vieques Island, beginning with her own wedding back in 2004.  Since that time, her professional staff has executed large and small weddings of all styles, including elopements, vow renewals and fabulously posh events at multi-million dollar waterfront villas.  She has also planned family reunions, destination baby showers, corporate retreats and a variety of other events for clients from all over the United States and Canada.  Sandy is also the owner of Weddings in Culebra (wedding planning on Vieques’ little sister island) and Flowers in Vieques (a full service floral and décor firm).  Visit her at www.weddingsinvieques.com.

Meanwhile, those who identify as “strong Democrats” are seven times as likely to support marriage equality as those who identify as “strong Republicans.” And Latinos in Texas are more likely to support marriage equality than either whites or blacks.

These are among the findings of University of Texas/Texas Tribune poll released this week. Overall, the poll of 800 registered voters found that a solid majority of Texans, about 63 percent, support some form of relationship recognition for same-sex couples, either marriage or civil unions. Only 30 percent of poll respondents said they oppose both marriage and civil unions, while 7 percent said they “don’t know.” The poll, conducted the first week of February, has a margin of error of 3.5 percent.

Full Story from the Dallas Voice
Click here for gay marriage resources in Texas.
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Rep. John Cebrowski (R-Bedford) was the first New Hampshire state representative to speak today on HB 1590, a bill that would have repealed New Hampshire’s marriage equality law. The bill was defeated by a vote of 210 to 109. A whopping 40 Republicans voted to defeat the bill, but not Cerbrowski.

Cebrowski’s speech was astonishing not just for the raw disrespect he showed to gays and lesbians (while repeatedly stating otherwise), but also for the talking points he used. Cebrokswi used the approach and language of Jim Crow: infantilization; patronization; segregation; debasement of allies. The only thing he forgot to say explicitly was “there goes the neighborhood”. Truly, it was a textbook example of how the mindset behind racism and the mindset behind homophobia can be one in the same.

Full Story from Pam’s House Blend
Click here for gay marriage resources in New Hampshire.
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Given the current American voter climate of “throw the bums out,” it’s likely that the Democratic majority in Congress, and in state legislatures, will be significantly reduced or (god forbid) eliminated. As we continue our fight toward marriage equality, we should pursue interim steps that will ensure success in the new political environment.

Many marriage activists explain to me how separate but equal can never be equal. Separate but equal conjures up the vision of “colored” facilities that were hardly equal to those offered to whites. During segregation, separate but equal was a misnomer. However, because the concept was not effectively implemented does not mean that the concept is patently bad when applied to appropriate situations. Racial segregation was not an appropriate situation. Today, most of us experience separate but equal everyday in America and throughout the world. No, I am not talking about havens of prejudice or bigotry. Think about it, where do you experience separate but equal in your every day life?

Full Story from GLTNN
Click here for gay marriage resources.
To subscribe to this blog, use the rss feed on the right, or use the form at right to join our email list. You can also email us at info@purpleunions.com. Or find us on Facebook – just search for Gay Marriage Watch (you’ll see our b/w wedding pic overlooking the Ferry Building and Bay Bridge in SF). We’re also tweeting daily at http://www.twitter.com/gaymarriagewatc.

Civil unions draw broader support. Two-thirds now say they favor allowing gay and lesbian couples to form civil unions that would give them many of the same legal rights as married couples. That’s an increase of 12 percentage points since a December 2007 poll that asked about civil unions for “homosexual couples.”

In the new poll, support for civil unions is at 50 percent or better across party and ideological lines. Support for such arrangements is now 15 points higher than it was a few years ago among conservatives; it’s up 13 points among Republicans.

Full Story from the Washington Post
Click here for gay marriage resources.
To subscribe to this blog, use the rss feed on the right, or use the form at right to join our email list. You can also email us at info@purpleunions.com. Or find us on Facebook – just search for Gay Marriage Watch (you’ll see our b/w wedding pic overlooking the Ferry Building and Bay Bridge in SF). We’re also tweeting daily at http://www.twitter.com/gaymarriagewatc.

The proposal would also ban civil unions in the state.

Brady’s opponent Dillard is also opposed to gay marriage and civil unions, but it was not clear whether he would try to change the Constitution over the issue.

Full Story from the Huffington Post
Click here for gay marriage resources in Illinois.
To subscribe to this blog, use the rss feed on the right, or use the form at right to join our email list. You can also email us at info@purpleunions.com. Or find us on Facebook – just search for Gay Marriage Watch (you’ll see our b/w wedding pic overlooking the Ferry Building and Bay Bridge in SF). We’re also tweeting daily at http://www.twitter.com/gaymarriagewatc.

The lawsuit will be based on a 1993 Hawai’i Supreme Court ruling which held that denying same-sex couples the ability to marry was a violation of their equal-protection rights under the state Constitution.

Voters approved a constitutional amendment in 1998 that gave the state Legislature the right to define marriage — and lawmakers have defined it as between a man and a woman — so gay-rights advocates are unable to claim a right to marry.

Full Story from the Honolulu Advertiser
Click here for gay marriage resources in Hawaii.
To subscribe to this blog, use the rss feed on the right, or use the form at right to join our email list. You can also email us at info@purpleunions.com. Or find us on Facebook – just search for Gay Marriage Watch (you’ll see our b/w wedding pic overlooking the Ferry Building and Bay Bridge in SF). We’re also tweeting daily at http://www.twitter.com/gaymarriagewatc.