Why Are Gay Men Still Marrying Straight Women? It’s Time to Stop!

Written by scott on November 15th, 2013

It’s okay to be gay.  No really, in the 21st century, as we move forward, it’s more okay to be gay every day… and more and more men and women are coming out of the closet, announcing their sexual orientation, and now getting LEGALLY married to members of the same sex.  Even the US military is finally starting to do the right thing (yeah, it’s still messed up – but it’s improving every day compared to what soldiers of even five years ago had to put up with on a daily basis).  I firmly believe that we will see marriage equality in my lifetime and I’m 40.  That’s saying something.

Definitely both gay! Garrett and David Egland-Rock tied the knot on Vieques on October 11, 2013!

Definitely both gay! Garrett and David Egland-Rock tied the knot on Vieques on October 11, 2013!

So now, as a professional wedding planner, I have to ask a very difficult and controversial question – and I really want to know the answer – why are so many gay men continuing to marry straight women in big white weddings with the promise of a lifetime together when half the guests at the wedding know that the groom would rather be marrying his best man?

Let me back up a little to put things in context – I had a rainbow collection as a child before rainbows meant anything other than leprechauns and pots of gold.  I grew up in Washington, DC, in the 1980s and 1990s, when it was first becoming okay to be gay in public.  I took the Metro home from my prep school through Dupont Circle most days, and I assure you gay was EVERYWHERE back then (though more men than women seemed to be representing). Homosexuality has always been there – this is nothing new.  Throughout history, there have been famous leaders worldwide whose sexuality is extensively questioned in our history books even though almost all of them were married to women and had families (who knew what the gossip was about them when they were alive).  But only in the past 30 years (and really more in the last 10) have gay men and women been able to be open about their orientation and still hold their rank in business and society without being ostracized completely.  For the military, things are still in the process of changing.  But they are changing.  Big time.

With a whole world of opportunity opening up for people of all sexual orientations, with so many states legalizing gay marriage and benefits FINALLY being extended to those partners the way they should have been all along, why are so many gay men continuing the ruse and marrying straight women?  Maybe some of them are bisexual and their wives are okay with it – and if that’s the case, more power to that couple – but I’m here to tell you that I have planned quite a few weddings over the past few years that seriously made me wonder what the heck was going on.  I am absolutely positively certain that not all of these beautiful girls with hopeful smiles, tripping down the aisle in bridal white, clearly understand that they aren’t really their groom’s first choice for a life partner.  They might be his favorite girl, but she isn’t who he wishes he was marrying forever.  And most of those marriage don’t last.  It’s a fact.

How dare I ask this question?  How can I call out some of my own clients like this?  Maybe it’s because nowadays about a third of my client roster are gay weddings, and although I’ve been accused of having terrible “gaydar,” now I do recognize when a straight couple getting married is mismatched in the most horrible way.  And if I don’t pick up on it before they arrive, or even when they do, don’t worry – either my vendors (some of whom are gay) or their wedding guests will make sure that our staff knows the whole skinny before the wedding weekend is over.  And then, after months of planning and executing the perfect wedding, I feel a little sick and sad when it’s all over because I’m afraid of what’s going to happen within the next five years when he finally gets up the nerve to come out.  Generally speaking, I just pray that it happens sooner rather than later because when they hang in there long enough to build a life and have children, the damage is cataclysmically worse when the truth finally comes to light.

This happened to a few of my friends in high school – I graduated in 1991.  And even though my friends were almost technically adults, they were destroyed because their families were obliterated.  They hadn’t grown up in unhappy households.  The shock was palpable, and humiliating for some (think back 20 years). It wasn’t your normal spend time with mom and spend time with dad separately kinda divorce.  It was dad leaving mom for somebody else’s dad.  I don’t care who you are or how accepting of the gay lifestyle you are… it messes with kids’ heads pretty badly.  And in some cases has impacted all their future relationships because trust is a huge issue for them.  How can you grow up for 18 years believing your parent is one thing when he or she is another?  I’m not trying to lay blame on those parents now, they didn’t have the same options back then.  I am saying STOP THIS SILLY SHIT now!  It isn’t necessary anymore.

I could have made this a funny blog.  I could tell you some of my fave stories about my straight (so gay) grooms who threw fits at their own weddings and behaved like brides.  I could tell you about the groom who cried because the napkins were the wrong shade of orange (in his opinion) – true story!  Or the one who sang show tunes all weekend and had a temper tantrum when it rained on his beach party while the bride kept a stiff upper lip and tried to convince their guests all was well.  Or the groom I caught kissing his best man in the staff rest room while the bride was out line dancing with the rest of the group two hours after they said “I do.”

At the time, it was funny.  Not LOL funny – more like sad, pathetic and depressingly funny because the only person at the whole damned wedding who didn’t know the groom was gay was the bride.  Every time, I felt sick afterwards, like I’d masterminded the end of her happiness instead of helping kick off a mind-blowing happy future.  But I never said a word.  That’s not my job, not my business, and not the way to get a good review and referrals.  But I don’t feel good about those weddings.  I couldn’t have known ahead of time, and yet, I blame myself to some degree for not blowing the whistle when I became aware.  But my job is to execute a flawless wedding, not destroy clients’ lives.  Or is that what I did by facilitating the marriage licenses?

Gay people should marry gay people, and straight people should marry straight people, unless there’s some private understanding that’s none of my business anyway.  But if you doubt your sexuality in any way – if you’re still figuring out which team you play for or if you play for both – do not make a lifetime commitment to somebody who doesn’t know where your heart truly lies.  All is spells is heartbreak for everyone eventually.  Every man and woman deserves a lifetime of happiness… but be sure you’ve chosen the right gender of spouse to spend the rest of your life with creating that bliss.

Until next time, happy wedding planning from Weddings in Vieques and Weddings in Culebra!


Sandy Malone is the owner of Weddings in Vieques, a full-service destination wedding planning company based on Vieques Island, seven miles off the coast of Puerto Rico.  She is also the star of TLC’s new reality wedding show “Wedding Island,” premiering July 17, 2013 at 10 pm ET/PT.  Sandy and her team (including her husband Bill, a retired SWAT team commander) have planned and executed almost 400 weddings in the Spanish Virgin Islands.  Sandy is a veteran event planner from Washington, DC, with years of experience planning large and small weddings, press conference, and corporate and political events.  She has planned countless events on Vieques Island, beginning with her own wedding back in 2004.  Since that time, her professional staff has executed large and small weddings of all styles, including elopements, vow renewals and fabulously posh events at multi-million dollar waterfront villas.  She has also planned family reunions, destination baby showers, corporate retreats and a variety of other events for clients from all over the United States and Canada.  Sandy is also the owner of Weddings in Culebra (wedding planning on Vieques’ little sister island), Flowers in Vieques (a full service floral and décor firm), and Boutique in Vieques (a clothing and home décor shop).  Sandy has a regular column on the Huffington Post  and has been rated “Five Rainbows” by her happy gay clients!




12 Comments so far ↓

  1. Chrissy says:

    Thank you for writing this article. You are so right about all of this. I especially feel sorry for the women who have no idea what they are getting into. It’s one thing if they know their future husband is gay and choose to marry him anyway, but to have no idea is just so, so wrong. Men need to stop being afraid because of their church, their families, their friends, etc and just be who they are and marry who they truly love. It’s not fair to lie to your best friend and pretend you love her.

  2. William says:

    In all fairness, this article claims to be progressive in its views of gender, marriage, etc. yet makes horribly narrow generalizations of gay/straight male behavior and perpetuates a view of women (i.e. that they are naive, foolish, happy just to have a husband, gullible, etc.) that is neither fair nor accurate. To be clear, I am in full support of legal unions for all. It just seems to me that the writer of this column (sadly, without seeming to realize it) is perpetuating, through her own writing, binary, closed-minded perceptions of gender roles that perpetuate the very problems with true marriage inequality and freedom that seem to frustrate her. I’m sure she plans weddings for many straight couples whose marriages ultimately fail and for many gay couples whose marriages ultimately fail. The goal should not be “straight with straight” or “gay with gay” (these binaries are too narrow) but rather “honest, faithful partner” with “honest, faithful partner”. That’s how we solve the marriage problem and account for the incredible variety in human sexuality.

  3. Paula Scribner says:

    I was with someone for 25 years and until the I stumbled onto the truth, I had no idea my ex was having sex with men. The gay community knows how rampant this problem is and knowingly continue to engage in sex with married men. Men advertise openly on Grinder, Craigslist, and the many other sites as married men. Married women are also guilty of same sex cheating, but from my online research, married men seeking and having gay sex is far and away more rampant. I just hope and pray that these men and women of future generations will not dupe another into a lifelong commitment, as the consequences to families are tragic.

  4. mcs says:

    If these men were really degenerates, they’d not be able to have children in the traditional way. I mean of they’re claiming to be gay, why are they aroused enough to have relations the way God intended it, between one man, and one woman within the bonds of matrimony (which is between one man, and one woman).

  5. No , it is not right for gay men to lie about their sexual orientation to straight women . The woman should know all the facts so she can make a decision that is best for her life .
    This problem (lying) is rampant here, and it leads to sorrow for both parties .
    Are you gay ? …TELL HER !

  6. Anon says:

    Thank you for the article. It takes a special kind of sociopaths to marry a straight woman even if the gay man has a curiosity is which later will come to fruition. Stealing and destroying a woman’s life doesn’t make you a closeted Gay man it makes you a closeted gay sociopath! You are stealing the opportunities of happiness and real love for your own selfish view of yourself or your place in society! That’s not normal homosexual or heterosexual behavior it takes a special kind of evil!

  7. Kerry says:

    Anon from Dec 8/14 i’m reading your reply with tears in my eyes because it’s the first time i feel someone wrote exactly how i feel. I married my best friend from high school and he never told me he was gay. When we got married at age 25 we had been friends since 6th grade. After 14 years of marriage i find horrible evidence on his computer of his gay hookups (craigslist, walmart bathrooms etc). I can honestly tell you my heart exploded into a million pieces and it has never stop grieving. My 3 daughters don’t know anything they only know we got a divorce and he doesn’t live with us anymore. My life was stolen , my body was used as a human incubator, and I can honestly say i will never trust anyone again.
    He on the other hand gets praises for being brave…
    Thank you so much for your post because you hit the nail on the head, my ex husband is a gay sociopath.
    Heartbroken in TX

  8. Andrew says:

    You should first have gay friends and then if you want marry a gay person that will be loyal, good luck!

  9. The Dead Saint's Widow says:

    Thank you, Anon of the 12/08/14 post and Kerry of the 02/04/16 post. You are so right. Gay men who marry straight women are sociopaths. They marry straight women to use them for their own purposes. My husband told me four months before he died because he was terrified of the retribution he might encounter on the other side. When he revealed he’d been having sex with other men for our entire marriage, he also revealed that he had no remorse or guilt for his actions, nor did he have any empathy for the unbearable emotional anguish his revelations caused me. I think he led a double life because he did not consider himself physically attractive enough, or financially successful enough, to find a gay male life partner. He stole two decades of my life from me. And compounded his selfishness by leaving me with the devastating knowledge of his betrayal that will negatively impact me for the rest of my life. I believe in gay marriage. Gay men should marry gay men and leave straight women alone. I belong to a group for which there exists very little understanding or support. Women such as myself are treated by contemporary society as if our lives have no significance. We are encouraged to be understanding and supportive of our husbands’ coming out. Men who leave straight marriages and come out have tremendous support for their actions. If those same men had stolen other men’s PROPERTY, such as other men’s CARS, instead of women’s LIVES, they would not be considered heroes, they would be considered THIEVES.

  10. Webwatcher says:

    I believe… This is terrible for spouses who have spent an enormous amount of their life married to a gay person…
    I Also have been through the same life experience… 23 years of marriage, a great life and three beautiful children later…I learn He was Cheating… We divorced…

    As If that was not bad enough to live through… BOOM… I just spent the past 3 & 1/2 years DATING a man who I FOUND OUT WAS CHEATING!!!

    Now in my marriage he was cheating with a woman.
    In my 3 &1/2 year dating experience he was cheating with other men.

    I fail terribly to see the difference!!!!!

    They were both painful to me.

  11. Friend says:

    Wonderful. These letters should be on BBC Radio 4 Woman’s Hour. I send my love to these cheated women.

  12. DittoMike says:

    I am trying to find the mentioned and aspoused ” support ” for gay men whom have married straight women. I happen to be a gay man that was married to a straight woman for ten years. She knew I was gay before we married, as did I. We were 23 years of age and we are parents to two ( now adult ) children. Had I to do over again, I would not have married a female. However, back to my original question, where is this “support” for the gay man? It was one hell of a tough road for me post divorce. She married shortly after we divorced and to a ” straight ” man. Sorry, I do not consider myself a victim and neither is my former wife a victim.

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